In my review of last week's pilot, I said that Halo, "could probably be worse, [but is] still bad." Having now watched the second episode, I now know how the series "could be" worse--it "could be" boring in addition to being bad, which would make it truly unwatchable. That's what I was getting at earlier, I think, although I didn't have the words at the time. The pilot was bad, very bad, but it wasn't especially boring.
Halo Season 1, Episode 2 ("Unbounded") is 50 minutes of filler. Some exposition is dumped. Some characters are introduced. Nothing else happens that couldn't have happened at the end of the previous episode: Master Chief turns himself in to the UNSC, having come to this decision because of some internal process that involves no externalized conflict. There's no action. We're told multiple times of some existential war raging between humanity and the Covenant, but we never see any evidence of this; in fact humanity seems to be doing just fine. We do, finally, see our first spaceship, but only one. The guy from Season 2 of Fargo is there and apparently a Spartan--he runs a rip-off of Omega from Mass Effect 2. That's more or less it.
Despite the fact that "Unbounded" is all filler, though, I still didn't find it especially dull. I longed for it to be over so I could get back to playing Weird West, but as far as hours of purgation go, I've had far worse.
That's the best praise I have to offer.
What else is there to say? I have nothing to add. I have my usual list of complaints: Chief's Condor is apparently slipspace capable; there's FTL communication; the Spartans are written completely wrong; the cast is devoid of any interesting characterization whatsoever. What is there to Chief? What about Kwan? How would you describe them? What are their traits? Confused? Lost? I don't know; I don't know what they want. None of the characters are engaging or compel me to keep watching. None of the actors have any charisma.
The world feels weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable. The cinematography is serviceable for a television ad, but carries with it no style or flash. Visuals of Reach and High Charity lack their personality and feeling of life from the actual Halo franchise and feel, ironically, more like empty, vapid video game open worlds than they do in any of the games. The only thing that stands out to me is that they used the Halo: Combat Evolved door opening sound, but it was for a human door, so what was even the point? It didn't even make sense in context, it was just a sound someone sneaked in. The use of the legendary score from the games is pitiful--honestly it's amazing they've done such a bad job with the music so far.
The writing is dreadful. Characters aside, they've revealed, in Episode 2, that the Halo rings are a thing and that they're super doomsday weapons. You know, the big twist from the midpoint of the first game? I guess the Flood will be the twist in this series, but it's basically all pointless. They've ruined the mystery of the first game. And as for Cortana, I suspect she's going to be a damsel in distress that Chief has to rescue, so she and him can bone or something. It's going to be stupid and terrible, and the only reason to keep watching is to hope they kill off all the annoying, shitty actors. Preferably in real life, but I'll settle for whatever I can get.
"You're Just Mad It's Not Like Halo"
I can't explain this line of apologia except appeal ad AstroTurfum. Throughout all corners of Halodom there have been significant numbers of supposed franchise fans who respond to criticisms of the series' lack of faithfulness to the established lore as being, somehow, stupid fanboys who are upset just because things are different.
To the absolute idiots who are peddling this Stockholm Syndrome degeneracy, I have a simple thought experiment for you: would you be watching this show if it were some random TV series on Paramount+ about a guy who escorts a Korean girl around space? Would you watch this if it were called anything other than Halo?
I wouldn't.
Yet this series isn't Halo. It isn't an adaptation of the source material. It is merely a use of the franchise name for brand recognition, with a few bones thrown in to distract morons into thinking that, at the end of the day, there might be something from the games in here after all. Thus, I conclude, Halo on Paramount+ is tantamount to a scam. In fact I will go so far as to say that it is literally a scam. It's a trick to con you out of your money. They've put a name you recognize and counted on your franchise loyalty in order to exploit you and make a buck out of you via subscription charges before you come to your senses and cancel. This marketing ploy is a con job. We didn't want this show. We wanted Halo. If you do not see how this is a scam, you are terminally stupid.
There might be a discussion to be had around adaptational license in media if this series were actually good. It isn't. It's a crock of shit and every departure is for the worse and/or completely gratuitous. But actually that doesn't matter, because the principle here is eternal: if you slap a recognizable name on a product without following through on your promise to the consumer in some meaningful way, you're trying to cheat him. You aren't selling what you're selling. I've bought a Coke but you've given me a can full of piss with a Coke label. I'm not obligated to drink it, and I'm not obligated to say, "I know it's labeled 'Coke,' but it's just doing its own thing!'" No one would disagree that mislabeling food is cheating--so why do they make apologies for the exact same trick in TV format?
JJ Abrams' Stark Trek is bad and a mockery of what Star Trek is supposed to be, but at least his movies go through the motions of being adaptations. The characters have the right names. The world looks sort of like it should. There's Star Trek stuff everywhere. The narrative is what's different. I can live with that, because at least that feels like you're getting what you paid for, sort of. It just happens to suck. But this? What even is this, if not piss in a Coke can?
So I wouldn't care even if Halo were good (again, it isn't); this idea that you should be okay with massive, pointless, transformational departures from the thing you like, which is the reason you paid money for this product, is fucking braindead. If you say this, you are supporting no one except soulless corporate executives who hate you and want nothing but your money. You are enabling your own fleecing. Stop saying this dumb shit.
Or, and this is more likely, you're actually on Paramount's payroll. I hope that's the case. I would prefer maliciousness to be the explanation, rather than sheer stupidity.
I Like Being Angry
I wasn't going to go past Episode 2 with my reviews, but if people are going to start saying good things about this show then it's my God-given duty to interject negativity into the discourse every week. So buckle up. I'm going to keep shitting on Halo until it does something interesting, introduces a character I like, or people come to their senses and call the cops on the abusive husband that is Paramount+ (AKA, start seeing through the terrible writing and go back to quality sci-fi, like Star Trek: Picard).
The Coke can is at my lips. I can smell the urine, but I'm not stopping yet.