Halo: Episode 4 Review

In this episode, the Master Chief uses a spade to dig a hole in the woods.

Fans of Halo: Combat Evolved will be familiar with the song off the OST called "A Walk in the Woods." It is an ironic title, considering the pace of the game's action. "A Walk in the Woods" is a great song and a personal favorite--one of CE's distinctive synthetic tracks: a soothing, rhythmic piece, perfect for blasting aliens in the 26th Century throughout Halo's surreal, majestic, captivating environments. Not actually for walking around in the woods. The walk is a metaphor.

With Episode 3 ("Homecoming") of Halo on Paramount+, it is now clear that the showrunners took the walk in the woods all to literally for their new sci-fi TV series.

In "Homecoming," the Master Chief goes for a walk in the woods. He takes off his helmet and, like a bored cosplayer between takes on a YouTube fan video, wanders about the trees, until he happens upon a spade. He then uses this spade to dig a hole. Then he stumbles around a ruined house for an hour. Meanwhile Kwan and Bokeem Woodbine work hard to rescue Dune rejects from fascist oppression and the Spartans whose names sound like elves from an R.A. Salvatore novel chill out in a laboratory.

There are no aliens. There is no sci-fi. There is no action, until the very end of Kwan's section, which was so boring that I didn't bother looking up from my phone.

I'm Done

At this point I've voiced every criticism there is to make about Halo. It's lazy, poorly written, and bears nothing in relation with its source material except names and a few elements of production design. But this episode is notable as the first which has bored me to tears. Kwan's plotline has no driving impulse: why do we care about Madrigal? Who are her relationships? Why haven't we seen any of these people for three episodes if they're so important to her and the plot? How does this relate to the Covenant? By the way, where are the Covenant? And aren't all her friends and family dead? Why is she so freaked out about this dump anyway?

Evil villain Vinsher somehow locates Kwan and Sorren instantly after they arrive--he tells us, thankfully, via V.O.--and the only action sequence since the first few minutes of the entire series take place. By that I mean a few dudes fire guns at a few other dudes for a few seconds, then everyone drives away on motorcycles.

Meanwhile, back at Reach or something, we're told that, "You Spartans have spent more time with the Covenant than anyone else," by Miranda Keyes. Incidentally this is true, because we haven't seen anyone fight the Covenant at all except the Chief in that opening sequence. Still this seems an interesting plot point, considering the fact that Silver Team doesn't actually do anything but hang around and give each other handies in the bathroom. Are they REALLY the ones who've fought the Covenant more than anyone else? If so, why aren't we being showed that fighting, and why are they doing nothing but lounging around in the actual TV show

This is a fundamental problem with the series that's starting to drive me toward the asylum. Nothing is shown: everything is told. When something does happen it generally makes no sense and is presented in a rushed or confusing way, or takes the form of maximized laziness (re: Master Chief literally digs for buried treasure in the woods with a spade. That actually happens.)

As ever nothing makes any sense. One of the Three Elves removes her mood regulation pellet, taking Master Chief's lead, and thus becomes a Real Girl. She then uses her menstrual blood to dye her hair. In general I think this character's transition between ultra elite Spartan and Real Girl was done better than with the Master Chief, because at least here we see a clear difference in behavior between pre and post- pellet. but the whole thing is so stupid. It kind of made sense that maybe Master Chief would be able to remove this thing with Cortana's help, but Riz--excuse me while I barf--can take hers out, too? Just like that? It's not even hard? The UNSC needs to invest in some more firmware security for their hyper-valuable killing machines. .

There could have been something cool and creative for de-neutering the Spartans. It could've been a thing in the plot. In my own sci-fi setting, a similar device (that was actually cybernetic and not just a random ass 'pellet') was implanted into the testicles of the super soldiers to suppress their libidos and regulate hormones. Try taking that out with a combat knife! But instead the writers go for the laziest, most easily resolved, boringest, least imaginative, worst, stupidest thing they can think of.

Most likely due to the boring-ass subject matter this episode exemplifies the series' problem with dull cinematography and sterile lighting. The MJOLNIR suits look fake and plastic when contrasted not against a fantastic world of spaceships and aliens, but...a forest, and some guy's house, and he's digging a hole with a spade.

I Said It

I took two pages of notes in Word this week with the intent to analyze this episode seriously, but by the end I was so bored that I could find no appetite for the work. There's nothing interesting here. Halo is a shitty, cheap, lazy scam. The small glimmers of care I saw in the earlier episodes--the glimmers of love for the franchise--were almost entirely absent here, and in their place was only Kwan.

This is where I jump off the gondola.